Anxiety Isn't...

Before I start writing this, I will put it straight out there that I have a form of anxiety. I have spoken to doctors, I have spoken to councillors. My anxiety is less than some, worse than others. I am lucky enough to have a support network around me.

I have wanted to write this post for a while, I thought it may be too sensitive for an article (for those who don't know me, I write for a local magazine) but this blog is mine, a part of the internet where I feel that I can write whatever the hell I want to. Not necessarily to entertain or inform but simply because it is fun. My blog and recent YouTube channel has been one of my outlets for taking breaks and distracting myself from anxiety for a while, which is why I try not to take horrible feedback to heart, this is really for me rather than the number of people on my statistics page every month. Not that I don't love you all! 

Anyway. That's besides the point. As I was saying, I have wanted to write this post for a while. I often feel, particularly due to social media, anxiety and other mental health issues are shown in a distorted light.

 Now, I can't speak for all, but I wanted to give a better portrayal of what anxiety is, and, well, isn't.

Anxiety isn't cute and it's not #relatable, it isn't a self diagnosed trying-to-be-gothic-the-world-is-against-me Tumblr url;it's not trying to find something in common with your favourite celebrity. 

It isn't the butterflies you feel in your stomach before an exam or meeting new people or the feeling that you get when you don't really fancy doing anything. It's not about people seeing through your flaws, holding you when you cry and always being there for you. 

It's the sitting on the kitchen floor at 2am, crying as silently as you can trying not to wake the house, the constant feeling of not being good enough, needing to do better, needing to be better because you just aren't good enough. It's having to hurry out of classrooms when you feel you pulse rate increase and your head spin and the colours get sharper, your hands going numb because you know what's coming. You know that you'll try and breathe. 

But it probably won't work. 

And no matter how hard you try, it's impossible to explain a panic attack because you almost don't remember. You want people to be there but also want to be isolated from everyone. You feel like you're in the busiest street on earth but also like  you're falling in to a hole. It's arguing with your family because you just can't explain how you feel. Why you're stressed, why you're panicking. Because the truth is, you don't know and you feel embarrassed and pathetic. 

You don't want to be a burden and there are times you feel so alone it hurts so badly that you just start talking to people that you've not spoken to for ages pretending that everything's find whilst actually on the other side of the phone screen, or even just on the inside, tears are rolling down your face. 

I admire the people who deal with any mental health issue everyday because the amount of stigma out there is unreal. 

Don't make assumptions. Don't think that anyone's life is perfect. And certainly don't brand someone's problems as petty. 

I am not anxiety. Anxiety is not me, even if I myself feel that way sometimes.  I have an amazing support network around me that I owe so much to. But this is something that I've wanted to say for a while now. My next challenge is pressing the 'publish' button. 

Thank you

Elle xxx

If you would like to contact me, please email me on ellerosevids@gmail.com , I would prefer for people not to comment on here, I know most of you are lovely, however, there are also some people that I know will be ridiculous if given the opportunity.

* edit: originally published 20th November 2015, republished 7th June 2016 to correct typos*